Jealousy is a funny thing. It becomes really complex when the thing you envy is the thing you are most scared of; I’m still trying to figure out how that’s possible.
It’s one thing to lust after something someone else has and then act on it, either purchasing said thing or working your way to obtain whatever it is you want. It’s a completely different story when you want something, in theory, but cannot stand the thought of striving for it in practice.
I’m not quite ready to openly discuss how this affects my daily life, but for those confused, it would be like wanting a pet snake but being absolutely petrified of snake bites and therefore avoiding buying a snake. Even though someone may reeeeeeeeeeeeally want that snake, they stop themselves because their fear (of something that is not guaranteed to happen, mind you) has paralyzed them in a way that prevents them from what they want.
Maybe the snake analogy is a bad example because most people, I’d guess, are afraid of snakes so it seems rational to avoid having one as a pet. I don’t know how to better explain myself though so it will have to stay for now.
I wish, for myself, that I could learn to either stop being jealous of others who have what I want OR learn to push away the fear and attempt to go after what I want in life. It’s hard taking that first step, though, and forcing myself out of my comfort zone. I’ve grown to be petrified of something that others see as normal, everyday and even mundane things. For that reason, I think, I am even more scared.
To be continued, I’m sure…